July 8th, 2016…. I wrote and posted this on Facebook, this post encouraged me to share more of my writing and embrace my inner wordsmith. I have not edited it or “fixed it” in any way because I believe we should treasure where we began and continue to grow without continually criticizing ourselves for our first steps.
They tell me the love me and then drive me crazy as soon as the words have hit the floor. But at the end of the day, I see two people worth doing this all for.
Almost a year ago, we made it official, the children were going to be home with me and I was going to become their teacher. Little did I know that they were the ones doing the teaching. I have spent the better part of the last 12 months trying to find the right books, the right curriculum, the right stimulating activities, the right routines and I have done it all with no motivation or drive at all. I didn’t realise this until a few days ago, I have been here but I have actually taken no part in any of it. Not from a lack of love or will, it was purely just because I lost myself somewhere along the line. And I have to wonder, have I been asleep this whole time because to be honest, I really should have been more awake for it all.
Did I fail them? Not yet, thank goodness for that. In the time I have been sleeping, our two beautiful kids have grown up and have learnt how to help when help is needed, to do things for themselves, they have learnt to deal with their emotional rollercoasters, they back each other up and even though I still have so much I have to do, they have shown me exactly why I became their mother in the first place.
I am not perfect, there are days where I can’t wait for them to ask to play Xbox, where we eat sandwiches instead of salads, we don’t always talk, sometimes they talk too much, some days we are well dressed and groomed and other days our pj’s are our uniform. I don’t always know how to motivate them, sometimes I shout, and sometimes I laugh and sometimes I break down and cry while I have a lavender scented bath. I have forced boring books down their throats and then thrown it all out the window and pretended we lived in a bubble and education was not the moral of the story. And then they surprise me with their knowledge and understanding. In fact, they know things I don’t even think I taught them, and things I have already forgotten, I need to learn all this again, for them and for me and for our future.
We have wild ambitions of raising these perfect, socially acceptable people, contrary to popular belief that is not who they are. Our children are wild and ambitious and free, and yes I know I have to teach them all these school things, and I will, it will happen, and then when we are all ready the world will be waiting for us to step into it. We will step out of our cocoon and you know what, they will be exactly who they want to be, whether they are doctors, or super heroes or princesses or even just like me, I know their lives will matter, because they matter today and always.
It may be overwhelming, I am convinced it’s all scary, but I have their tiny little hands to lead me through it all and I have a man who is with me on this journey and I know he will have my back, even when the kids are bouncing off the walls, the kitchen is a mess and my hair isn’t salon perfect, my waistline is not a zero and my food tastes like grandma’s cooking. That’s the joy of it all isn’t it? Knowing that everything will turn out exactly as it should. For me, right now, I am not worried about tomorrow or next week or even next year, I am happy for today. It’s not like we don’t have plans for our future, trust me, we do, it’s just that I want to be so involved in today that when tomorrow comes, every part of it will be worth it.
Photo: One of our trips home from Durban after a holiday with our family at the coast… Caught them sleeping peacefully and I just loved their ability to be comfortable and cute all at once…
Theme song: Rascal Flatts ~ My wish for you